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To mark the Olympic Games, 2K Sports has released an Olympic team available for play, not unlike when they did so in 2012 with the Dream and Redeem Teams. So, sure, the real-life versions of these NBA stars are extremely likely to bring home the gold. The NBA2K<\/em> equivalents pictured above, however, seem bound for much dimmer pastures.<\/p>\n When examining a team photo of any kind, it\u2019s always fun to note the expressions on players\u2019 faces. Sometimes, a uniform mean-mug gets the job done, while at others, a mistimed smile can lead to hilarity for all. What makes the NBA2K<\/em> photo unique, of course, is the fact that the developers artificially constructed it based on their own character renderings and expected player reactions to such a situation.<\/p>\n The intricate details of the photograph are truly stunning, and a double-take is almost required just to make sure it isn\u2019t an actual photograph; such are the standards of video game graphics in 2016. Upon making that realization, however, the differences become clear, like a ruined optical illusion or the punchlines on \u201cThings you can\u2019t unsee\u201d lists.<\/p>\n In honor of the Olympics commencing, and of the somewhat ragtag band of All-Stars and borderline max contract candidates representing our nation as \u201cThe Quarantine Team\u201d in this edition of Olympic basketball, let us make a concerted effort to determine what could possibly be going through the heads of each of Team USA\u2019s digital proxies at the time of their team photograph.<\/p>\n BACK ROW, starting from left<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Mike Krzyzewski, Head Coach:<\/strong> Coach K is all-business casual, sporting a slightly Duke-esque blue polo and khakis with a utilitarian brown belt while his hands are dutifully wrapped behind his back, the only one in the picture to do so. His gaze rests slightly right of center, as if he got distracted by the photographer counting off on his fingers. He\u2019s thinking about how much more time he\u2019s going to have to recruit once he hands the reigns off to Gregg Popovich following this tournament, but he retains a tinge of sadness knowing \u201ccurrent USA basketball head coach\u201d appeals more to mindless high schoolers than \u201cformer USA basketball head coach.\u201d He dutifully pulled up Yelp reviews of the finest eateries in Rio on behalf of his staff, searching by Wifi accessibility and wine selection.<\/p>\n Harrison Barnes, 8, Forward:<\/strong> Barnes has worn the same blandly surprised expression on his face since July 4, when Olympic teammate Kevin Durant announced he was signing with the Golden State Warriors, effectively ending Barnes\u2019 tenure as Golden State\u2019s equivalent of Mario Chalmers. Do something right, it\u2019s incidental; do something wrong, and it\u2019s emblematic of your ability as a player, as a person, as a sentient desk lamp. Barnes doesn\u2019t feel so much as he experiences the sense of feeling before shrugging it off and launching an ill-advised 22-footer. Harrison Barnes practices pump-fakes in the shower.<\/p>\n Kyle Lowry, 7, Guard:<\/strong> Harrison Barnes just told Kyle Lowry about the Zika virus and then playfully placed his hand on Lowry\u2019s shoulder, a gesture of comedic value just as much as of comfort. Lowry wonders if Zika is going to make him fat again. Fat Kyle Lowry was an obsolescence in human form, a functional yet inefficient tool for mediocrity, like a Civil War cannon cleaned up and polished. Skinny Kyle Lowry is a new, beautiful, ripe banana. Peel slowly and see.<\/p>\n Kyrie Irving, 10, Guard:<\/strong> The lone Duke product on Team USA, Kyrie Irving has to look collected and confident in this picture, the proxy of a coach\u2019s son. Later on, digital Coach K will lambast digital Irving for approaching the official photograph with such a laissez-faire attitude, but for now, Irving is laid back. At the medal ceremony, he will glitch to skew the Nike logo on his uniform in what he sees as a tribute to Michael Jordan\u2019s spurning of Reebok in 1992; the game will freeze, and you\u2019ll have to start over from the beginning. Irving is an NBA champion, after all, and none of his teammates can ever take away from him what he worked so diligently for. Speaking of which, did LeBron re-sign yet?<\/p>\n Paul George, 13, Forward: <\/strong>Unsurprisingly, Paul George has had just about enough of this. Some older, white gentleman behind the camera just wished him good health for the seven thousandth time. Sure, he\u2019s happy to be healthy again, but he\u2019s sick of hearing about that. Later on, Draymond Green will tell him to \u201cbreak a leg\u201d before entering the first game, and digital George will draw a technical for jawing at a generic fan in the front row doing the wave at the wrong time.<\/p>\n Klay Thompson, 11, Guard:<\/strong> Klay Thompson is the only person truly at ease, happy even, with being at the Olympics. He stares directly into the camera, likely envisioning it as another swished jumper falling through the cylinder. Sure, the Finals were horrible, but that wasn\u2019t really his fault, and his work in Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals contributed directly to bringing Kevin Durant to Oakland. He\u2019s not at all worried about sharing the ball or being the man; being perhaps the best pure catch-and-shoot gunner in the league comes with a territory, and on his hottest nights, he can burn even more brightly than his golden brethren. Plus, the likelihood of adult men approaching him in Rio and advising him on his jumpshot is close to nil.<\/p>\n DeMarcus Cousins, 12, Center:<\/strong> Does he need a new prescription of contact lens? Did Frank Ocean lie again? The front office brought in Arron Afflalo and Matt Barnes ostensibly to help foster a winning environment? So much confusion and rage lies central to Boogie Cousins\u2019 character that it even extends to his video game form. Digital DeMarcus has told America to go away, he just wants to be alone for a while, some vague things have happened in his past \u2013 player development schedules gone awry, poorly-planned University of Kentucky reunions, objectively atrocious defensive propositions \u2013 that even the promise of Dave Joerger, king of transcending mediocrity, calls to mind only an inevitable feud, complete with Vlade Divac standing in front of his coach, taking haymakers to a chest already ravaged by years of cigarette smoking. There is no joy in Mudville. There is no pain in Sacramento. There is only the dreaded present, which is no present at all.<\/p>\n